Maureen inside and out
by SwanQueenEndGame
Summary: My idea of Maureen's backstory. What made her who she is and who she isn't. I was thinking about doing this just a one shot but let me know what you think.


**Well a little thought about Maureen 'cause I love her and I think she desserves to be written.**

**Enjoy and let me know what you think, it's my first and probably last RENT fic.**

**Btw this one is dedicated to daydreamer586, that made my day being sweet and agreed to read this first.**

**xx R&R**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or RENT, all the rights to the rightful owners.**

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><p>She was looking at her face in the mirror, this was one of those few moments where she was without makeup, clean face, messy hair, just after leaving her bed. She searched for herself in that image, in that face in the glass, behind the makeup, behind the cocky smile, behind the forced security, she failed her task. She failed her task because how can someone find something they don't know at all? After all, who was Maureen Johnson?<p>

Maureen was five years old when she saw the first fight, when she heard the first screams, or maybe that was just the first time she was able to remember. She walked into the kitchen with little steps, almost jumping in her little white dress, she was so oblivious to what the yelling meant, the only thing that was on her mind was that it was her parents voices, even when she saw them screaming at each other, when her mother throw a cup against the wall, when her father stormed out of the kitchen beside her and left the house slamming the door, she was in her little pink world and that was one of the last times she was blessed enough to be oblivious, to be a child.

She lost count to how many times her mother had used pills to fall asleep, or how many times her father spent the night out, or the week out. She lost count how many times she had had to caress her mom's hair while she cried beside her.

Maureen saw her parents fight each other, ignore each other, destroy each other, destroy themselves, she wasn't 5 anymore, she grow up, faster than she should, faster than she could.

Suddenly she was 13, she was taller than most, prettier than most, wanted than most. Suddenly she could see her mother in the mirror, her father in every boy who wrote her love notes, who asked her out, suddenly she was swearing to herself never to let herself being destroyed by something so stupid and wrong as love, as the idea of love, because she knew very well even back then that love was just that, an idea. However she always liked the attention, she liked to be seen, to be wanted, so suddenly her skirts were shorter, her tops were tighter, her heels were higher. Soon she learned how easy it was for her to get what she wanted, too soon she learned that she could have everything, even just for a few moments. At the age of 14 she spent more time out then at home and funny enough no one seemed to notice her absence, to find her you just needed to go to the louder party and search for the girl with a drink in one hand and a cigarette on the other, surrounded by boys, observed by girls. At that same age she found out how much she could do, how hard she could make someone fall, how loud she could make someone sound, how loud she could sound herself. Everything was a game and she soon became the best player.

When she turned 15 she got pregnant and for the first time she felt again like that scared child she was before so she searched her mother for help, for comfort, she found non, instead she found her mother on her bed, asleep after taking her depression pills, 5 of them, alcohol in her breath. It wasn't enough to kill her, just to make her pass out for hours as usual, that time Maureen cried alone in her room.

The next morning, however, at the clinic, was the last time she allowed herself to cry, right after taking the abortion pills, in that moment she let out her last tear, after that the only thing she would allow in her face would be make up.

At sixteen she met Mark and she could help thinking how naïve that boy was, how pure and yet how stupid he was. But that was what attracted her to him, that innocence she always despised but that in him seemed so natural, so right. He was more than any other boy in her life, but no matter how much she cared about him she was Maureen, she wasn't faithful, she wasn't kind or loving, she was a survivor, or at least that was what she was used to say to herself and eventually she hurt him, eventually he had all the right reasons to leave her, to never look at her again, but he stayed.

"Why Mark?" she asked once, she was truly curious, no one else would have stayed, no one else did, no one else cared.

"You need me" he answered her "you need a friend".

A bitter smile was formed on her lips "I don't need anyone Mark, I never did".

"Keep telling yourself that M, maybe one day you'll actually believe it, but for now I'm here to stay". And he did, he stayed.

When they both turned 18 they left their parents' houses and went to leave with Roger and Benny, for the first time she had something like a family. Mark was with her again, they tried again and this time she truly tried but she couldn't be something different, she didn't believe people could change, once more she cheated on him, once more he forgave her, once more he stayed.

Then she met Joanne, and with her it was somehow different, Joanne wanted her and needed her just the same, she wouldn't use her but she wouldn't let herself be used either, she was strong, infuriating stubborn, she fought Maureen and Maureen fought back, she loved Maureen and for the first time Maureen loved her back, in her own way but she did, this time she didn't cheat, she almost did, but something stopped her. This time she was trying and she was doing it.

She almost forgot about how love was just an idea, how it was wrong in every way, almost. At least until that moment in front of the mirror, only a few hours away of her engagement party, their engagement party.

Just the mere idea of marriage was able to make her feel sick in her stomach, but it was Joanne's dream.

A knock on her door "M, open up!" it was Mark.

She brushed her hair quickly and went to the door "Hey" she looked at him and she knew she couldn't hide anything from her best friend.

"That bad hum?" he asked smiling at her.

She didn't answer, she didn't need to.

"You'll be fine"


End file.
